134 broken whole

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my inner being is dissected when i disagree with Him.
my imperfections show and i know that i am wrong.
i gravitate towards the dark rebellion that is brewing
in my spirit and heart. it is difficult to arrest it to say
sorry i am wrong, i will do my best to refrain from
the bad thoughts, the wrong words, the grim aura i
bring to myself. because i have come to learn and
realise that i call it upon myself with the excruciating
yet cruel controllable mind of mine. i am that broken.
broken into many pieces, fragmented and the pieces
unravel the untold lies, the bare shame that consumes
my inner being. through and through i am tangled in
weeds and vines, vines and weeds, hidden beneath is
the raw flesh of my vulnerabilities that are fighting to
be freed. i have come to learn and realise that i can
call upon myself the goodness and joy that can cleanse
these impurities from my inner system. i can be whole

only if i choose to.

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131 dear grandpapa (23 january 1938 – 21 february 2017)

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dear grandpapa,

you have walked through the lifegate,
you have completed your marathon.

our relationship was brief, 20 odd years, and fruitful
you have been sowing feeding guarding living.

the brevity of your words grew almost minimal,
your actions spoke louder to me since you were of few words

your fox fur tail boney legs will always remind me
the cuckoos you used to sing to, the fishes that you fed.

it used to be that you reached home at about five,
parked your bicycle, preparing shaved antler drink

that was truthfully the weirdest thing fed by you, then
you’d sit in your elastic mini chair till the Ch8 6点半 news.

we have all heard, gong gong, what you have taught
your sons and daughters, our fathers and mothers:

“family first. look out for one another.
patience and perseverance and work hard.”

it was only after listened and looked through
archives of you where i pieced together

the simple believing man that you were,
you studied the word and did your devotions.

a discerning god-fearing man. faithfully you
worshipped him obeyed him and waited on him.

your journey on earth with sin and sicknesses will be
no more because you have ascended peacefully

the moment you closed your eyes for good.

after my grandfather’s passing, i thought i should reflect aloud. those who came to pay their respects to him would know that the wake wasn’t a typical depressing set up. it was literally a party – to put it respectfully, a celebration of my gong gong’s life. the second night was madness. nothing short of a Gatsby party, well except for dancing but definitely a feast with some of his favourite 70s Christian rock blasting in the background, insufficient seats, joyous laughter and reunion for folks who haven’t seen my grandparents in years.

this went on for the next two nights.

the day time was my favourite. for 5 days, i saw my family. we were all about the smiles. it was the last few days to be physically close to my grandfather, and it was an amalgamation of chinese new year and christmas x5. i apologise for the hysterical cries of laughters, but i believe no one stopped us (despite the glares) because it was what gong gong would have praised God for – family. 11 grandchildren he has, i am thankful for being a part of his legacy.

God loved him and blessed him with strength to hang around with us year after year. but he had to leave for his rightful home on the day he slept on. it was difficult to see his physical body embalmed, but the Lord kept reminding me that my gong gong had already reached his home in the kingdom. physicality is temporal. his soul lives on now in the eternal.

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.

– 2 Corinthians 5:1

130 i’m harmless

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i’m scratching the walls,

i’m scratching the harmless table,

i’m clawing at the windows – or at least i try it is at least half a metre taller than i am,

i’m clawing at the bare basin,

i’m clawing at the corners of the floor,

i’m clawing at the slab of plastic bed,

i’m clawing on my scabs.

i’m digging deep on my scars.

i’m digging until i see the bones.

i’m digging till i see a space for my body.


just wrote a random response piece to the recent visit to the Reading Gaol/Prison where Oscar Wilde was imprisoned many years ago. it continued its run until 2013. there were 3 cells with furnitures made of plastic for prisoners who were at risk of self-harm.

also, after taking modules about deviance (from my lit class) and criminology, i’ve been exposed to what it is on criminal acts and the consequences suffered in prison. drug abuse or drug embracing for the purpose of art, thanks Burroughs and Ginsberg and many more. and really thinking through about how beneficial prison is for the criminal. so many factors. is it really the most efficient way of rehabilitating the individual back into society?

below is my favourite piece that i read at the prison, can’t believe it isn’t real. but beautifully written. there are more letters of separation here: https://www.artangel.org.uk/inside/read-letters-of-separation/

“I have wanted very much to die, and if it weren’t for you, I might have taken matters into my own hands. But we are tethered together for now. And for now, you are keeping me alive. My body is your prison and your shelter from the world. Without it, you will not survive. Without you, I would have no reason to.”

– ‘Letter to my Unborn Daughter’,  Tahmima Anam

 

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the remains on the walls

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129 let’s pull ourselves together

part i: soooooo the Lord impressed words upon my heart over the weekend of 11 to 13 september. and it went something like this: not a push but a pull.

then the following string of words appeared (with about two hours worth of editing on the spot with Pei En):

It is not a push.
It’s not between two men, no
It’s not between you and me,
And how we struggle, no

Nor is it a pull like in a tug of war.
It’s not about your way or my way – about who wins.
It is not to separate, it is not to divide
What good are we, each, as a single thread?

It is not even a push between God and me, no
It’s not a push away,
Don’t push the father away,
No don’t push His love away.

It is not push, but a pull.
Yes, it is a pull, it’s a pull!

It is a pull towards God,
a pull towards Jesus,
it’s a pull from Him.

It is a pull to follow Him, to be with Him.
It’s a pull to be closer to Him.

People –
God has intended for us to be woven as a cord,
A cord of three strands,
that is bound together,
tightened together,
made strong together.
A cord created when we respond as one
to the pull of God.

With Christ holding us together,
we will not be brittle,
we will not be fragile,
we will not be loose,
we will not be weak.

We will withstand the stretch,
we will overcome.
He will use us to pull the lost towards Him,
To pull nations towards him,
To fulfil His mission.

So Church, remember, it is a PULL, not a push,
let’s pull ourselves closer together,
let’s tighten the knot of Christ,
and secure ourselves to Christ – our anchor.

Never forget, that a threefold cord is not easily broken.


part ii: i really want to share this as well, Lee Han and Serene came up to me a week later to hand me this picture. a vision that Lee Han received from the Lord as the spoken word was done and she got Serene to illustrate this:

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the veins are the Church, coming together as one to reach out and pulling the lost back Home

upon receiving it i had no words just awe at His picture. He is so alive in us!!!

the Lord is moving in the congregation and when the body of Christ is united as one, the Lord uses us to reach out to the lost. i really love how the shadow of the veins forms a hand. signifying the hand of the Lord, which is basically us! we are His hands touching lives, helping people, moving nations – but all this is only  possible through Christ. the closer we are to Him the more we become like Christ.

it has been two weeks and it is still fresh on my mind and spirit to witness how the Lord moves in us. i remember when He spoke those words to me, it was a prayer to be declared to His people. the blessings came from the Lord directly, He ministered to me. God does the changing of the hearts and opening of ears. He is changing each and every one of us. it is solely for His glory, all this for His glory.

everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.

Isaiah 43:7

126 every night

remember i am only human, but
have you heard the names you have given me?

i weigh 135 kilos, and i actually work out.
i am that strong.

but i also know what it means to be firm,
and soft. and comfortable

in my own skin, i love it, and i know
you love it too. we understand each other.

i like to listen to you in your most intimate
moments, and you have chosen to share it with me.

don’t worry i will be gentle with you. i want to.
let my chest be yours to cherish.

when you close your eyes, you know that
my belly will take you in. tightly.

we are closer than you are with your mom,
i’ve seen more of you than she has.

you trust me, don’t you? otherwise,
you wouldn’t come to me every night.

i’m just a softy.
i’m just your softy[1].

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[1] Inspired by Muun’s advertisement with a fat man: http://www.thedrum.com/news/2016/06/01/mattress-firm-tasks-giant-sleeping-bouncer-showing-his-softer-side