086 criticise, criticise you!

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how do you handle criticisms? i always remind myself to take it well because if criticisms come from the wiser, older and knowledgeable, it means that they mean well for you.

a) the editor sat me down a couple of weeks ago to talk to me about my work. i found myself taking the feedback well and understanding what she was telling me about. i had to agree with what she was saying and after all, she was being honest yet genuine about helping me. there was not much negativity in her feedback, it was more of how she recognised my strength and how she wanted to point me to another direction to challenge me to work on my weakness. but when i left her desk, i began taking it in a harsh manner and being hard on myself, blaming myself for not meeting her expectations.

from then, i started to hesitate and became more self-aware and conscious – too conscious, of my own work before i submitted. i lost confidence in myself.

b) the mentor i spoke of in 077, well it was in fact one of the most painful times where i felt lost and confused about who i was and who the people around me stand as. “when you are 17 to 20, you tend to spend more time about discovering more about yourself. are you someone that is extroverted, or someone who likes to have small groups of friends…. …. you must learn to really care about people… you just have to know when to really focus, although it is not a bad thing to dapple in a little bit of everything but focus… what are your expectations of your friends and them of you?” the thought about having to discover who i am as a person is so pretentious. but i guess it is all part and parcel of growing.

she had to repeat what she told me before, what she taught me before. that is like learning from a textbook but not applying it, and it feels like i should have to keep a checklist before doing anything or acting upon anything. it is horrid, when i have to make progress as a person and yet i am not. have i been doing it all wrong?

i think the criticisms i received from them made me realise how much i have fallen short of their standards and their expectations. because it hit me. i have been struggling with expectations all my life, that criticisms come by when you have not met someones’ expectations. well, i have fallen short of it.

He doesn’t criticise, i don’t think i have to worry about falling short of God’s expectations but these people are the ones He decided to use to speak to me about some issues. maybe i was fine all along, because i really was. but all this criticism creates a sense of jerk shift in me, forcing me to change. and after much thought, fortunately and safe to say, a reminder to mention: it is to be a better person.

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