082 the sadness struggle

the real struggle is to write something that is not about sadness. but the easiest thing is to write about is ache.

after my previous writing about not feeling sorry for the aching heart, i was just like ‘oh my goodness, i sound so pretentious’ it made me feel sick. then i decided that i should probably write something hopeful or joyful! but i guess it has not been easy for the past few days. it is just like composing a song, it is probably easy to write about heartbreaks, or how the guy was a jerk and you are a complete new person. even most poems that i have read are so dark that it makes me feel so much, made me think that i was going to go into a depression. so it has not gotten any easier for me. i ask myself if it is because right now i am not experiencing anything happy (because i usually write based on my experiences and emotions).

there are no definite answers as to why it is easier to write depressing words. but after the past week of pondering. i felt that maybe we feel that even if we tell somebody about this pain we encounter, he or she can’t make things better and all you hear are things you already know. but when you turn to words in text form, the frustration turns out to be a comforting form of expression. honestly, when other people are able to relate to your depressed writing, it is as if you’re not alone anymore.

last week there was this huge cloud of darkness over me. i really felt like i was going to die in a tragic and a not-sorry-for-self way by committing suicide. i wrote short sentences that were filled with heaviness, and nasty poems in my mind. my entire state of mind was unhealthy and it’s like a small room that has its’ windows shut because the smell of thick dust seems better than the fresh air outside. so anyway, i started over thinking. what if i end up being a wreck like J or W, they are the most depressed writers that i know and i feel like they destroy their own state of mind. they feel sorry for themselves, and you get this aura from them that they will end up murdering themselves. i was scared that i would turn into a monster, i had to draw the line for myself.

but i am so glad, that i am out of that phase. that feeling of worrying that you will end up killing yourself, well it sounds stupid but at the same time it was real for me. at least i had a friend listening and helped sort my mind out quite a bit. at least receive help to get pulled out of that gloom in time.

so meanwhile… i am still in search of something to write about that is – hopeful.

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