070 Why did I come here?

I have not been on WordPress on a long time, because my new url has made me unlike this ‘home’. I miss flypegasusfly because it reminded me of just flying into a land that never exists. Quite truthfully, I have been on a roller coaster myself the past few weeks and honestly I have learned a lot and I wonder what else I can look forward to learning. It will be interesting of course and well let’s just see.

I don’t like to say, or rather I have not really said that I have wasted my day before or wasted hours doing nothing. But I did today hanging out with my friend/(s?). Honestly on the way back from the North, I just thought to myself: I could have been thinking something productive during that time or even observe the people I just made friends with. But my mind was just too tired.

The feeling I had was just excruciating because it was a mixture of: 1) shucks my phone is dying, please don’t die on me cause I’m far from home 2) should I say something, when should I say it? Please talk about something relevant I can add on to 3) When is the right time to say I need to go? 4) I have to hold my breath because I don’t smoke 5) Why did I come here

I don’t really open my mouth when there are people whom I have just met and when their topics are usually about other people/friends. (which is most of the time right, I mean people talk about other people 60% of the time during conversations). The group that you hang out with, the vibe really does matter. Right now as I type this, I feel… horrible, pained, just forced and meaningless.
What I heard the whole night: ‘what am I doing with my life?’
What I inhaled: the air of those who felt sorry for themselves

It is affecting me to feel like a bare sheet of paper and just marked with the cigarette scars to feel like I am one of them, lost and worthless. I am sorry I am just sorry for them, I am going to wake up tomorrow feeling better.

Tonight I was stoned, that’s what ghosts do. They stone when they have nothing to say.

Cheers to my 70th post, I’m alive!


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