Maybe after this post, people would judge me and hate me, or unfriend me. But I’m willing to risk it, I mean come on, I don’t really have a lot of friends.
So I always (ok maybe just recently) have this constant mean thought coming into my mind. Like I shouldn’t be so generous to do such and such, or I just see how they could fall and hurt themselves. How they wouldn’t be doing as well as I. But I feel this constant guilt as well to those I think meanly of. I mean I wouldn’t want to hurt them, I just want to save the best for myself. I am so selfish.
I am someone that has friends from all over, and they aren’t in large groups. I prefer hanging out with people on a personal level, one on one. I feel like that way I can connect and have an intimate friendship with them, listening to them and just being present. It is what I prefer and really like having. Sometimes I envy large groups though, the amount of fun is just immeasurable. The amount of laughter and nonsense is unlimited. Gatherings are always easy, unlike one on one, when you want to gather for a field trip, its more united. In pairs it’s just peaceful and quiet. It can be good, but mundane.
I think it really just boils down to how insecure I am, and how I really just don’t mind living in my own bubble of aloneliness and happiness. But I don’t want to run away to be like that. I think it is just depressing. I’ve grown so much that, 2011-2012 onwards, I no longer yearned to be depressed, sad and lonely. I’ve matured in my emotions that, they are not something to be forced out of, but they just come to fill up I have to feel.
Well this has led to something else aye. But anyway I find it so difficult to be happy for someone. I really don’t know why… I feel evil. But I probably should seek help. Sigh, bless me.