064 Spaced Out

I haven’t had the right words, but I know a surge of different emotions have ran through my heart and mindless thoughts just popped into my mind making me sleepy.

School’s out, I should be happy. I should be happy about the fact that I got an internship that is hard to come by. I told myself “I have fulfilled part 1 of my dream, to intern at a fashion magazine.” Indeed it is good news. But why do I feel uncertain, nervous and blank?

Some emotions I thought I felt, insecurity, emptiness, regret?

Insecurity: I’m not good enough, not good enough for the magazine that hired me for. I know the saying, I play it on my mind repeatedly: Everyone starts somewhere, someday. But I doesn’t help when you have a fellow intern partner, who started a week earlier than you, and still gets more job done than you have. I felt inferior. Just, not good, enough.

Emptiness: Nothing is filling me in. I don’t have a good holiday or meetup or shopping to fulfil my needs. I don’t really understand my logic, I used to dread work that will start in the near future and just enjoy school and vacation now. But look at what I’ve done to myself, found internship and not getting paid… So what am I trying to do to myself? I guess exposure > relaxation?

Regret: Maybe it is not regret. But it is the thought of unable to let go of the past. Sometimes I just like to hug the past tightly, it’s a pillow that smells nice. Its the smell and scent I’ve been used to for a period of time. I just wish I could live with it, but I can’t. It’s hard to let go, it let me rest my head unto it and enjoyed its presence while I could. But it’s gone now. I wish I cherished it more and never let it go. Regret.

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